Communication is Everything
There comes a time in every relationship when the honeymoon is over, the bloom is off the rose and we are no longer seeing our ideal in the other person because we are starting to get to know them. Our unconscious will facilitate this to happen by producing quarrels between us eventually. I am explaining this so that you can let go of feeling like a victim when this happens because it occurs in the 2nd phase of every relationship. It’s inevitable. No relationship remains ideal forever.
When we first meet someone, we idealize them. Carl Jung explains we are projecting something of ourselves onto this person. It’s interesting to hear someone say, “You’re not who I thought you were.” That means you are no longer a projection or a fantasy of what we saw in the beginning — which was only what we wanted to see.
“A fascination of this kind is never exercised by one person upon another; it is always a phenomenon of relationships, which requires two people in so far as the person fascinated necessarily has a corresponding disposition. But the disposition must be unconscious or no fascination will take place. The fascination is a compulsive phenomenon in the sense that it lacks a conscious motive; it is not a process of will, but something that rises up from the unconscious and forcibly obtrudes itself upon the conscious mind.”
— Carl Jung, Two Essays in Analytical Psychology, par 136
We have to separate to differentiate and see who they really are. We also begin to express more and more of our authentic selves because no one can be their persona 24/7. Yet, at the beginning, we all try to put our best foot forward. Everybody wants to be highly thought of by the person that they are fascinated by or attracted to. A relationship with anyone new starts that way. This isn’t just relationships with significant others or marriage partners, this is with everybody. That includes, our friends, our teachers, our clients — anybody we idealize.
Not only is it vitally important to withdraw our projections from each other, we must be vulnerable and tell the other person that we’ve done so. Say to them, “This, that I saw in you was probably more about me or this, that I saw about you, I am not seeing anymore.” Start up this kind of a dialogue.
One of the most valuable aspects about long-term relationships is that both people get to know and trust another person. Trust takes a long time and many shared experiences. The planet Saturn which rules time instigates the glue of effort that allows for relationships to mature. It is no wonder that in traditional astrology, Saturn is exalted in the sign of Libra, the sign of the scales.
It’s also important when a disagreement occurs, that we learn to take turns giving in. Each person has to be willing to give in sometimes and not insist on always being right. We all make mistakes and nobody is always right. The successful resolution of any disagreement has a lot to do with how we communicate and how we listen. Listening is probably the most important aspect of communication. I know most have probably heard this before but it’s a good reminder that we have two ears and one mouth. We need to listen twice as much as we speak when we are trying to understand each other.
I’ll never forget an incident that occurred with my business partner, Trish. We had been together at least six to eight months and before that, we worked six years together as she was my client at Exxon Chemical. When she became my business partner, we started seeing things about each other, we had never seen before.
One day she did something that I didn’t like and I said so. I told her I thought she was being passive-aggressive. Her response was, “Everything is about you. Why do you have to take things that way?” She left in a huff but still calmly insisting it was all about me being too sensitive.
Later that night as I was writing in my journal my thoughts. I wrote I don’t know what she's angry about, but she’s doing stuff to get even with me. I saw her as being an angry person as I was seeing a lot of anger coming from her but she wouldn’t admit it. She called me at that synchronistic moment as I was writing and said, “You’re right. I am angry with you.” I said, “Good. Now we can do something about it. Now we can talk about how we can meet each other half way. We do not always have to do things my way Trish. We can take turns.”
That is so important in any relationship. I told her, “How will I know what you’re upset about if you don’t tell me? If you can’t say it in the moment, will you please write it down? I love you and I want to know. I want this partnership to work.” By expressing my feelings, I created a safe space for her to communicate with me. I also told her I was committed to our partnership and she agreed that yes she was committed too.
Think about this. You want to be fair to the other person and the word fair also means equal. Equal means we are going to share responsibilities and negotiate who’s going to be in charge, who’s going to follow and who’s going to lead. A relationship is always a dance. Keeping track of that dance consciously is being willing to recognize and remember. Ok, last time they gave in, they adjusted, they listened to me. Tell yourself, “It’s my turn to listen here, make a concession, take their ideas into consideration so that I can understand where they’re coming from.” In other words, put myself in their shoes. Try to look at upsets or just requests objectively from their perspective. What did they feel when this took place? If you are willing to communicate, it means you're listening and they will know you care. Communication is everything. I can't repeat that enough to people.
When she called me and told me the truth, now we could meet each other half way. We began to know each other much better. We learned to see and even appreciate our differences. Instead of blaming each other, we can grow from all of our relationships when we both agree to see our own opposites.
In the end, I became more like her and she became more like me. That is the GOLD and why the unconscious has brought to us this particular person. It was our fate. Her mother and my father were born the same day, the same year. They had the same energy. Our parents live inside us even after they are gone.
It is remarkable to see how the unconscious of each person sets it up for us to see our opposites. I tell a longer version of this story in my Shadow Dance & 7th House Workbook because the astrological aspects of it were quite telling and demonstrate that we are indeed made up of energy. In being open to doing Shadow Work together, we created an amazing bond and a life-long friend. She is gone now and I am so grateful to have known her. She was an Aquarius which is what I have on my 7th House cusp.
Best friends is what we are headed towards in the Age of Aquarius. Best friends tell each other the truth and as Jesus said long ago, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” It will set you both free to experience love.
